Abby's Un-Valentine, #127

As stated in previous Abby posts, I never read any of hers because I had aged out of the series before she arrived (I say “aged out” like I’m not a 30-something mother of two who is currently reading these for pleasure in 2020).

So, Valentine’s Day approaches in the Brook (nope, not that one). We find out in our standard Chapter 2 bio of the BSC that Mallory is away at boarding school (I seriously need to read the books that lead up to that, because, what the what? What transpired in the Brook to make Mallory voluntarily leave the BSC to go to boarding school? Apparently there was some bullying? And how do the Pikes', with their near baseball team sized family, afford boarding school?). Anyway. So, Mallory, like Dawn, is now an honorary member, and Shannon has been coming to meetings to help fill-in. Abby gives us her family history as well - she has asthma and is allergic to practically everything (milk, shellfish, cat litter - I...I didn't know that last one was possible), while her identical twin sister, Anna, has no allergies whatsoever. They both wear glasses, but Abby tends to use contacts more often. Their favorite movie is The Parent Trap (the Hayley Mills version - this was pre-LiLo), and she states that they used to twin swap when they were younger. I'm sure that won't be significant at all later. Just forget I ever mentioned it.

So, at the BSC meetings, the girls are all discussing the upcoming Valentine's dance. Stacey is going with her 15 year old boyfriend from NYC, Ethan, who apparently is coming to Stoneybrook just for the dance. That guy must not have much of a social life. MA is with Logan, of course, and Claudia is with Josh, her boyfriend from when she was temporarily sent back to the 7th grade. Abby is not feeling the romantic spirit at all, thinks the holiday is lame and reeks of commercialism, and she has no desire to go to the dance, even just with her friends. She goes as far to state that she has no desire for a boyfriend yet (which, to give her credit, is mature for a 13 year old to admit, most girls, even if they weren't ready, would be caving to peer pressure to date at that age). Abs just want to focus on her true love: soccer. As she says, "invented by men, perfected by women". 

Megan Rapinoe approves.

So, cut to school the next day, and Abby is at her locker. Ross Brown, whom we have never heard about and likely never will again, approaches Abby and basically starts to flirt. Abby, clueless, just jokes around with him and goes to English class, where, of course, they are studying Shakespearean sonnets to go with the holiday. All the girls in class are waxing poetic over the poems being about love, while Abby is like, "love being compared to a summer's day means that it is nice, but summer doesn't last forever - you get winter, fall, storms, etc." The teacher rolls her eyes, while I'm over here secretly impressed at that. Ross, who is also in the class, speaks up to agree with Abby, and keeps doing so no matter what comment she makes in class (we can all see where this is going, right?). He continues to flirt between classes, then eventually asks her to the dance. Abby's response? "No". Short and simple, to the point.

At the next BSC meeting, when Abby shares her story, the girls (meaning Stacey, Claudia, and Mary Anne) immediately start getting on to her, saying that she should have said yes, even if she didn't like him like that, just to give him a chance, and she may change her mind (seriously, how many guys did we waste time on based on trash advice like this from our friends?). Abby repeats that she is not interested and won't be going to the dance, frustrated that no one is backing her up. Even back at home, she is not getting much support. Anna, who is depressed that she doesn't have a date to the dance, also thinks that Abby should give Ross a chance, because she thinks he is cute (*cough* foreshadowing *cough*). Abby goes over to Kristy's house on Saturday, even though they aren't close (Abs thinks Special K is too bossy), because Kristy is the only one not acting sappy about V Day. Kristy tells Abby about how she used to date Bart, but how she broke up with him when she realized that she only dated him because she felt pressure to be more like Mary Anne and Logan, and how she regrets that it ruined her friendship with Bart. She tells Abby to keep standing firm in her convictions, that she is doing the right thing. One of the few times I agree with Kristy over the rest of the BSC, mad respect.

At school on Monday, Abby finds a carnation on the floor leaning against her locker, with a poem attached:

"Although she cannot the sound of music hear, her name is music unto mine ear. And if roses make her sneeze, perhaps this carnation will then please. For Abby and the flowers are one, but she is the fairest flower under the sun."

Abby sneezes and shoves it into her locker. Ross continues to leave her gifts, including a book of New Yorker cartoons (just random for a 13 year old?). About this time, Abby has the realization that Ross fell for the wrong twin, that he has much more in common with Anna, but he still keeps pursuing her, even when she keeps saying no. At the next BSC meeting, when Abby is complaining about the whole situation, Stacey smugly tells Abby that she told Ross to buy the cartoons because she knew Abby liked them. Abs. Is. Furious. and asks Stacey why she would do that when Abby has made it clear that she doesn't like Ross. Stacey says that Abby is being ridiculous and should basically go out with anyone who asks. And that sets it off. I quote:

A: "I would never, ever, ever go out with someone just for the sake of going out with someone. I'll never be that desperate and dishonest."

Claudia and Stacey, furious. S: "Are you saying I do that?"

A: "If the shoe fits."

I can only hear that in Daveed Diggs' voice now.

Thankfully, the clock strikes six, and Abby escapes hastily. On the way home with Kristy, Abby asks K's brother Charlie's advice. Charlie says she should be completely clear with Ross and give back all the gifts she got, that way there would be no confusion. Abby decides to invite Ross over to her house for the Talk, but due to series of slapstick coincidences (Anna wears Abby's favorite shirt, Abby is wearing glasses instead of her usual contacts, yada, yada, yada), Ross walks in and immediately thinks that Anna is Abby. Neither correct him right away, and Anna and Ross immediately hit it off, talking about their mutual love of classical music (Anna plays violin). Ross gets pissed when he finds out they switched on him, but Abby and Anna apologize and Ross ends up asking Anna to the dance.

The next BSC meeting, Abby apologizes for snapping at the club (although it was very deserved), and Claudia, Stacey, and Mary Anne apologize for not listening to Abby in the first place. The day of the dance comes, and Abby decides to go out with Kristy for pizza and a horror movie (honestly, that sounds way more fun than a middle school dance to me, sign me up). 

Valentine’s Fashion!!

What Claudia wore: “Today she was dressed in ski-lodge mode. That meant a woolly sweater, long black tights with thick blue socks, and hiking boots. But those weren’t just any hiking boots - they were tied with little snowflakes on the ends. They’d also been decorated - by Claudia - with a motif of snow-capped mountains running along the outside of each boot. Claudia’s sweater was blue, white, and gray with a snowflake-patterned yoke. (What the hell is a yoke?) It was enormous, stretching almost to her knees. Her hair was pulled back in a long French braid. From one ear dangled a silver earring in the shape of a pair of crossed skis, and from the other ear a small silver polar bear.”

Stacey: “For today she was wearing a short dark brown leather skirt over pale stockings. She had on these cool boots that came to just above her knees. Her sweater was the color of butter, and it looked unbelievably soft. There were three pearl buttons at the collar, Stacey had left two of them unbuttoned. Her blonde hair was pulled into a French braid, and she was wearing what looked like real pearl earrings.”

Very Sabrina Spellman.

Stacey's Ex-Best Friend, #51

Seriously, Laine looks 35 on this cover.  And kind of like a Real Housewife by that facial expression.  Something else I realized, Claudia has a side ponytail on almost every cover shot.  Give me a different hairstyle, illustrator.

This book opened with a snowfall, and Stacey is at home with her mom.  She then says how much she loves living in the country, that it's so much more peaceful than the city.  I got really confused, because they bought a house right behind the Pikes, so that would indicate a suburban neighborhood, not the country.  Stace then explains that she considers the 'Brook "the country" because it's not New York City.  Umm...no.  That's not how that works.

Anyway, Stacey's NY BFF Laine calls for a chat, and tells Stacey that she has winter break coming up from February 7 - February 15 (one week surrounded by two glorious weekends, in Laine's words).  Wow, those NYC prep schools give nice holidays, we got Christmas break and Spring Break, but nothing midwinter.  Laine then goes on and on about how hard it is to be rich, I mean, how she can't decide what to do over break.  Should she go in the school ski trip?  Stay in NYC and party with her high school boyfriend (more on that later)?  Or fly down to Florida to say at her family's condo on the beach.  Umm...February in the Northeast?  I'm voting condo in FL, Laine.

Stacey has the brilliant idea to invite Laine to Stoneybrook for that week, even though SMS will still be in session.  She tells Laine that she can come to BSC meetings, have a BSC party, come to SMS with her one day, and even go to the Valentine's Dance at school.  Stacey assures Laine that it will be "so distant" (another BSC slang term, I'm sad that she didn't say dibble), and Laine says "what?" (that totally made me laugh out loud).  After Stacey explains what "distant" means, Laine does what any sensible 13 year old girl would do, and says she is going to the beach. Oops, no, this is AMM's crazy universe, so of course Laine chooses to visit Stoneybrook.

So, as Stacey heads to the BSC meeting, we get our Who's Who description of each member, and Stacey mentions that Mary Anne wears reading glasses.  I'm pretty sure I have never heard these glasses mentioned before, that kind of bugs me.  Plus, Dawn is described has having straw-colored hair, but the other books I've read so far say that she has white-blonde hair.  Maybe her hair is like those old Hypercolor tshirts, and changes based on the temperature or mood or something.  While at the meeting, Kristy decides they should give a Valentine's Day party for the BSC charges, that it can be a Valentine's Masquerade and all the kids can sign their names in code on the cards.  I bet the parents in Stoneybrook love the BSC, because the parents can basically get off the hook for every holiday since they know the BSC will throw a party.

Oh, and at the meeting, Claudia indicates that she won't have time to make the invitations, and Stacey secretly thinks that's a good thing, because the invites would probably say "It's a haliday! Come celabrat Vanentins Day with the BSC!" (My spell check totally freaked out, hee hee.)  She justifies the thought because she loves Claudia and knows that she's smart, but just doesn't apply herself.  Sounds like the Stoneybrook version of "Bless her heart."

Anyway, the day of Laine's arrival comes, and Stacey is frantically trying to make her room more sophisticated, changing the posters on her wall and hiding her stuffed pig collection (Laine makes fun of the pigs every time she calls, apparently).  After the house is deemed appropriate, they go to the train station to pick up Laine.  They drive back through Stoneybrook, and Laine is all, "Where's the town?"  Stacey is all taken aback, explains that the pizza parlor and library that she just pointed out was the town.  

So, Stacey has a BSC sleepover at her house to welcome Laine to the 'Brook.  They are talking about the upcoming dance, and Jessi mentions that Quint won't be able to come to town for this dance like he did for the Winter Wonderland dance (Snowbound shout out!!), and that she's going with Curtis Shaller, a 7th grader.  And Stacey has this Deep Thought by Jack Handey: "When you're eleven, though, I guess you don't expect relationships to last very long."  I might have snorted out loud there.  As the rest of the girls discuss their dates, Laine states that 13 year old boys are too dorky to date (Mary Anne gets all huffy) and that she's dating a 15 year old named King (*cough*trust fund baby*cough).  I got kind of confused by the description of King, though - initially Laine says he has long black hair with the ends dyed purple that he wears in a ponytail, but later mentions the he uses mousse to make his hair bushy and spiky.  Sounds like an NYC mullet going on, y'all.

But that is only the beginning of Miss Snotty McSnotterson.  She goes to school with Stacey, and when Pete Black asks her to the dance, she basically laughs in his face and only agrees to go with him after she calls King (or as she calls him, "Heart"), and makes fun of Pete and the whole BSC within earshot of Stacey.   Then, at the next BSC meeting, she asks when the BSC are going to get "real jobs."  Apparently, Laine got a job as a cashier in a trendy boutique in NYC.  Seriously, AMM?  Laine is 13 years old.  Even assuming that she may be 14 by the time the summer hits, there are very strict child labor laws out there, and if I remember Alabama laws when I was a teenager, any child under 16 could only work, like, 3 hours a day or something.  You really want me to believe that, in a city the size of NYC, the best candidate for this job was a 13 year old?  Pffft.

Friday night hits, and we get all Real World: Stoneybrook - that's right, people stop being polite and start getting real.  Laine gets all snarky because Pete and Austin Bentley (Stacey's date) aren't picking them up, instead everyone is meeting at the dance.  Plus, Pete buys Laine a corsage, but drops it and it gets trampled by the crowd.  Laine just waves it off like it isn't even worth her time, and after they walk in, makes fun of the decorations, food, and band.  She dances once with Pete, then tells him she is too tired to dance.  Literally 5 seconds later, as they are walking to a table, a hot guy asks Laine to dance and she immediately agrees.  And Stacey flips a table over (not really, but that girl was pissed).  A brouhaha ensues, claws come out, weaves end up on the floor, and Laine demands to go home to NYC that night.  Stacey can't agree fast enough.

A few days later, Stacey calms down and decides to write Laine a letter about how awful she is - "You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me...why you gotta be so mean?" (Ok, maybe that was Taylor Swift, but you get the picture).  Stacey says the she doesn't love Laine, but she always will (dang it, that's the Civil Wars...).  She also returns the BFF necklace Laine gave her when she moved back to Stoneybrook. And she signs this epic write-off: Stacey, your ex-best friend (she still dots all the i's with hearts though, so hard to take that seriously...).

Let's get some fashion here before things get too sad:

What Stacey wore (train station edition): "This is the outfit I had chosen in which to meet Laine: a purple shirtwaist top over flowered leggings, my cowboy boots (cowgirl boots? cowwoman boots?), a purple hair ornament made from shoelaces (I totally has a shoelace hairbow in elementary school.  And one made from balloons.) and long dangly silver earrings."  Stacey has a serious thing for flowered leggings.

What Stacey wore (Valentine's dance):  "I chose a red top and short jean skirt."  Pretty lame description, AMM.

What Stacey wore (BSC Valentine's Masquerade): "I was wearing red leggings, red ankle boots, a bulky red sweater, and red barrettes."  Sounds kind of like the all green elf outfit my seventh grade teacher, Mrs. Carpenter, used to wear.  Yikes.

Howard Wolowitz called; he wants his wardrobe back.

What Laine wore (train station edition):  "She was hard to miss, considering she was wearing a jean coat with a fur collar (I sincerely hoped the fur was fake), black capri pants edged with lace, very chic black ankle boots, and on her head, a brilliant oversized red beret."

What Laine wore (Valentine's dance):  "She had on a black leotard, long black jacket, black leggings over black stockings (What!?!  Why, just...why?), and black shoes.  Her jewelry was silver though. And big."